True Strength

Eating disorders are in the media these days. They affect so many people to different degrees—from an occasional episode of emotional eating to a debilitating condition leading to total self-destruction. As with all addictions, eating disorders are an incredibly complex disease with as many unique variations as there are people who suffer from it.

My particular form is bulimia and binge eating. I’m a typical addict, an extremist on an endless quest for perfection and control. So naturally, the attempt to control life and emotions with food, became an issue even before my addiction to alcohol and drugs. These addictions took over, but when I found recovery 10 years ago, the eating disorder slowly crept back up to the surface, progressing cruelly, as all addictions do.

My philosophy of turning weakness into strength, came together towards the end of my (hopefully last) bottom with this. I came to a point where the addiction itself just wasn’t working anymore, so painful, but necessary in the addictive process. I remember force-feeding addictive foods that I didn’t even want, just to get the feeling/effect, but it just wasn’t working anymore. I remember thinking … I would do anything to be free from this compulsion. Self-centeredness is the epitome of addiction. So an idea came, to do the opposite: if my nature was to isolate and self-destruct, I would go out and give the food away. What would have been poison to me became nourishment for someone in need. Sometimes the only way to rescue yourself (from yourself) is to help someone else. I did this many times and somewhere along the way, the compulsion diminished. As with all recovery, I must do daily work to recover.

I hit that bottom about 3 months ago. Knowing I would soon begin dieting down for competition, I had the usual anxieties associated with it. Under the best of circumstances, contest dieting is always rough, but because of my disorder, and remembering the torment of last year, I knew it’d be an uphill battle … will I be triggered? Most likely. So what can I do? Continue applying the tools that work, the ones I learned to use in order to recover from my other addictions.

Being of service to others is medicine and a major tool in my recovery. I share all of this only to be helpful, not for any type of commendation. Many people suffer with eating disorders, walking around in fear and shame, a living hell. I say to them, to you: you’re not alone. True strength comes from having the courage to ask for help. Whatever you’re battling, there is a limitless source of help, within and without.

“We all have fears, but those who face their fears, have courage as well.”--unknown

Stay strong and stay tuned!

Dallas
Copyright 2007-2009 Dallas Malloy